In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
