theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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