you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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