He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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