I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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