fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
3pm strippers are depressing
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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