I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
