i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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