Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
