my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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