I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
