By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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