I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Randomize
