I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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