Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
