my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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