after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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