Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
