my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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