the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
pray to the hookup gods
Randomize
