Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you will always have a special place in my vag
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
