and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
