What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
