Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
