you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Randomize
