I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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