ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
