Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
