I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
