my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
