you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
