Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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