Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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