the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
