Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
