Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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