I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
