So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
