The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
