i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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