Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
