turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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