you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
