what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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