my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We just shotgunned beers for America
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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