If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
