omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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