my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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