meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
we're so committed to being not committed
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
