Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Fuck appropriateness.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
